Breaking Down
by inufan1369
Summary: Suguru is breaking down...little by little. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

"Fujisaki-kun, Shindou-kun is calling you. He wants you on stage."

"I'll be there in a moment..."

I stared at my reflection in the dressing room mirror. It wasn't like myself to be nervous, I never got nervous during a concert. They came to me so naturally so it made no sense to me. I glared at myself, not liking my appearance one bit. It was outwardly visible how stressed I looked with dray scattered throughout my green hair, frown lines formed around my dry, flaky lips. I didn't look like a sixteen year old should have looked. I looked old. I felt old.

"Fujisaki-kun, are you okay? You seemed stressed?"

I broke my gaze from my reflection to over my shoulder where I glared at Sakano-san. He seemed taken aback by the look, and looked back at me in concern. That look on his face sickened me.

"I am fine, Sakano-san." I said harshly, despite myself.

Sakano-san was just being concerned, so I felt bad when his face fell with hurt. I shouldn't have been so mean to him, but it was too late to take it back, so I just let it pass. I regretted ever being in the band. Joining Bad Luck was the worst thing that I could have possibly done. I have tried many a time to convince Tohma to let me out, but he always refused me. He said I was too valuable to the band. Yeah, right! My synthesiser brought him in his money, that was it. But, nevertheless, I couldn't leave Bad Luck. It sucked. People like Shindou-san and Nakano-san drove me crazy. They are older than me and act like three year olds. Especially Shindou-san. He's nothing but a hyperactive ball of gayness. It's scary and a little sickening. I don't see how Nakano-san handled it for so many years. I have to give him credit, though. It must not be good on his reputation being so close with Shindou-san. I pity him.

"Suguru-san! The audience is waiting!" I heard Shindou-san through the speakers on stage.

Shindou-san's voice sent a shock down my spine and made me flinch. It rung through my head like an office corporation telephone. I growled to myself, jerking my eyes away from my reflection and made my way to the stage. Upon approaching it I put on my best fake smile. The crowd screamed as they saw me make my way to my synthesiser. I waved to them, ignoring the aching in my cheeks for smiling against my will. Nakano-san eyed my strangely, and for a second I thought he could see right through my "grin," but he shrugged and returned to tuning his guitar.

"It's about time, Suguru-san. You kept all these lovely people waiting."

The crowd screamed with joy at Shindou-san's comment. He help up his had, putting up three fingers, indicated we play Smashing Blue, the third song on our album.

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"Wasn't that just an awesome show?" Shindou-san said, wiping the sweat off his face with a towel.

"You guys did great." Sakano-san commented, bowing to us.

"It was awesome!" K-san said excitedly.

"I know!" Nakano-san added.

I sat in a chair in the corner, away from everyone else. If Tohma wasn't forcing me to be in the band, if he hadn't have thought that I was too "valuable," then I would quit in a heartbeat. I hated being around the band and it's producer and it's manager. They were all so..._crazy_. I sighed to myself and looked at the wall opposite of me, letting my mind wander. I didn't know where I would be if I wasn't in the band. Since Tohma has taken care of me since I was young I always lived with him, locked up in my room and only coming out when it was necessary. This band got me out a lot, and it wasn't to my liking.

I stared at Shindou-san and his pink haired, bubbliness, and wondered how could anyone be so happy. Sure, he cried _a lot_, but he would bounce back so fast. If I didn't know how stupid he was, then I would pity him, but the guy is a complete idiot. He only passed school because of Nakano-san, who's genius level. I guess they completed each other, I don't know.

I have never had friends except my synthesiser. I never got out to even go looking for a friendship. I didn't want one and didn't need one. Tohma tried to convince me to get out more and make some friends. He said I was never the same since my parents died. I was three when they died, so of course I was never the same. I grew up! He would always tell me that I would never get anywhere in life the direction I was traveling. I thought my direction was good. He was rich and I never asked for anything, so he could just support me for the rest of my miserable life. It would get to the point where he would depress me so much I would lock myself in my room and curl into a ball on the floor and tell myself over that it was all a dream.

"Fujisaki, are you okay? Seriously, man, you don't look good." I heard Nakano-san say to me in the distance.

I looked around to locate him and jumped when I saw him right in front of my face. His voice sounded so far away.

"Fujisaki, are you okay?" he repeated, waving a hand in front of my face as if to break me from a trance.

I turned my face to the mirror on the other side of the dressing room we were all sitting around in. I looked pale. I stood quickly, my vision starting to become fuzzy and I was getting dizzy.

"I have to go." I mumbled and ran out of the dressing room.

**(A/N): Well guys, this is my new fanfic. I hope that it is good so far. I will see you all next chapter! Ja ne. **

**PS: I do not own Gravitation. Maki-sensei does. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2:**

"Suguru-san, how long do you plan on staying locked up in there?" I heard Tohma say through my door.

I glared at the door from under my bed. I was searching through all of the mess to find my old music notes and Tohma disrupted me. I pulled myself out from under the bed and stood, walking to the door slowly. I opened it a crack to where Tohma could only see my eye.

"Well, Suguru-san, that's improvement, but how about you take your whole _body _outside?"

I hated the tone of his voice. He talked to me like he was talking to a four year old learning to tie his shoes. I just glared at him.

"Look, I have a reason for bothering you..." he said slowly, losing that stupid, fake smile he always wears.

He did that on many occasions with me. He would lose that creepy, superior smile he always wore and stare me down with his powerful gaze. I always felt helpless when he looked at me with those green eyes of his. It was as if he was looking at a monster and his gaze would burn me on the spot.

"As your boss, I am ordering you to get out of your room and make your way to NG. Sakano-san called for a meeting between you, Shindou-san, and Nakano-san. Your presence is _mandantory_."

I continued to glare at him for the longest time. I wanted him to disappear... Better yet, _I _wanted to disappear. I didn't fit in with that stupid band, with those stupid band members, yet Tohma tried so hard to put me right in the middle...

"Fine.." I mumbled, shutting the door once again.

I heard Tohma leave, a slight slowness in his step. I leaned against the door and slid to the floor, trying to steady my head. Music notes were scattered across the floor at my feet. They all seemed distorted. I couldn't read a single bit of it. I shook my head to clear it out, standing once again to get ready to go to the meeting.

I made it a habit to put on make-up, and a lot of it. It gave me my youthful look back, hiding the stresslines. I also dyed my hair regularly to hide my gray hair. I was slowly turning into a 'teenaged adult,' if that made any sense at all.

I entered NG with a dark cloud over my head. I hated NG. It was too full of peppy people. Everywhere I turn there was a wave and a smile from all the assosiates, other bands saluting me with a grin, laughing with their friends. It made me angry. I didn't see how they could be so happy when there was nothing to be happy about in this world...nothing at all.

"It's about time you got here, Suguru-san!" Shindou-san said to me with is head out of the studio room door, eyeing me impatiently. "We have been waiting here for almost an hour."

"Sorry." I said, trying my best to choke down my frustration. Just seeing his pink head made me dizzy. "I didn't know until a little while ago."

"Sure, sure, don't tell me that Seguchi-san forgot to tell you." Shindou-san rolled his eyes, sarcasm in his voice. "Likely story. Now, come on, before Sakano-san has a heartattack."

I allowed Shindou-san to lead me inside and I took a seat in the furthest corner of the room, away from everyone else. Sakano-san cleared his throat nervously.

"Well, guys, I just wanted to congradulate you on a wonderful show you did last night. Here are you compensations for that."

Sakano handed each of us a check inside an envelope. We always got a share of the money from the concerts. Seeing as our shows are always sold out, we got quite a good share of the money. I pocketed the check and stared off into space.

"Yo, Fujisaki, you on Earth?"

I shook my head out of my daze, seeing Nakano-san standing near me, hands on his hips. His red hair covered most of his face, so I couldn't read the expression on his face, but I could sense that he was beginning to get worried and annoyed.

"W-what?" I asked, looking around to find Shindou-san, K-san, and Sakano-san all looking at me as well.

"We are going out for drinks. We want to know if you want to come."

"N-no...that's alright..."

"I ain't taking no for an answer." Nakano-san said, taking me by the upper arm and leading me out of the studio room. "You definatly need to get out more."

I sighed in annoyance. There went those words of 'wisdom.' I didn't resist as Nakano-san lead me down the streets of the city and to the bar. They must have been regulars because they got a few hellos from the bartenders. I felt myself being shoved on the inside seat of a booth in the corner, Nakano-san sitting beside me. There was no escaping. I was stuck at a bar with..._them_. I shook at the thought of a drunk Shindou-san and K-san. I started making out my will in my head.

"What can I get you fellows?" an attractive waitress in a short black skirt, with bright blue eyes and long blonde hair asked, looking down at us, order pad in hand.

"Get us all a round of fuzzy navals to start us off." K-san said, relaxing against the cushion of the booth seat.

"It'll be ready soon." the waitress bowed and went behind the bar in the front to make the drinks.

I hated alchohol, but it made the others stop complaining to me, I glady would drink it. I hated hearing them complain to me. So, I just complied with what they asked just so they would get off of my back.

"Fujisaki!"

"What?!"

I bit my lip at the ferocity in my voice. Nakano-san stared at me wide eyed for a moment before his gaze softening. He must have seen the hurt on my face. I didn't mean to be so harsh, but hearing him call out to me so suddenly like that took me by suprise, and I hated suprises. He put his hand on my shoulder and I flinched like it hurt me. He immediatly took his hand back and continued to stare at me. His gaze annoyed me so I turned my face to look out the window.

"You zoned out on us again, Suguru-san." Shindou-san said, pulling out a pocky stick and putting it in his mouth.

"I'm fine.."

There they went again, asking me if I was okay. I sunk into my seat and continued to stare outside, watching people walk by. I saw an assortment of people: short, tall, gothic, and prep. I saw so many different emotions, but they all seemed out of place and fake. My heart sunk. It was as if people couldn't feel what they were really feeling anymore. They all had to feel the way society wanted them to. They had to put on the face that the world labeled them as. It made no sense, and I sat in confusion, ignoring the others as they took their drinks from the waitress and began conversating between one another. But, my attention was caught when I heard them mention my name...

"There is something wrong with him. He has always been a to-himself person, but this is ridiculous." Shindou-san whispered.

I kept my face turned and my gaze out the window, making it seem like I wasn't listening.

"Yeah, you are right, Shindou-kun. He seems tired and stressed. How do you think it has been since he has a good nights sleep? It looks like he hasn't slept for a week." Sakano-san said nervously.

"I don't know, but it's worrying me. He needs to talk to someone. Maybe a psychiatrist can help..." 

I jerked my face around, staring at Nakano-san, waiting for him to say something, but no words escaped from his mouth. He just stared at me with an expressionless face, slowly sipping on his drink. I gave up on him speaking and turned to my drink, sipping the alchohol, cringing at how good it tasted. My stomach churned like I was going to throw up, but I ignored it. I wasn't going to make a fool of myself...

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"Fujisaki-san, would you mind telling me what's on your mind right now?"

I stared at the psychiatrist with distain. One minute I was laying in my bed, lost in my own thoughts, the next I was sitting in the stupid shrink's office. I didn't remember anything in between.

"Right now, all I am wondering it why I am here."

"Your friends are worried about you."

"I don't consider them friends."

"Why not? They must care about you if they care enough to want to get you help?"

"What kind of friend considers me crazy?"

"What makes you think they think you are crazy?"

"They sent me here."

There was a silent tension between the doctor and I. I was getting more and more annoyed by the minute. I looked out the window and watched how the many shapes outside twisted into squares and ovals and triangles, and all the colors blended together as one and turned black...

When everything came back into focus I was lying on the cold, tile floor, staring into the bright lights on the ceiling.

"Are you alright, Fujisaki-san?"

"Who are you?" I asked, knowing perfectly well it was the doctor speaking to me.

Her eyebrows furrowed in the middle above her nose as she stared at me, as if studying me.

"You blacked out." she informed.

I closed my eyes, the lights blinding me and making me dizzy. I felt set apart, like their was a wall put between me and the world, like it's back was turned and it wanted me to disappear. I complied to it's wishes shut my mouth tight, swelling my tongue so it blocked the air flow to my throat and held it.

"Fujisaki...Fujisaki-san, stop that!"

I could see red spots from over my eyes and my body started to jerk, my lungs begging for air.

"Fujisaki-san, breathe! Listen to me, stop trying to suffocate yourself!"

My lungs screamed for oxygen. I split open my mouth and let an scream as the world slipped out of my vision. The last thing I heard before I slipped into a world of darkness was, "I know the place you need to go..."

**(A/N): Okay, guys, another chapter down. I'm not quite sure as to how good this chapter is, and it really doesn't seem to have a point to me except Suguru took one trip to the shrink. TT I really hope that you guys are liking it so far, though. Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3:**

Everything is empty...I'm empty... I'm staring into nothing... There is no world, there is no you, me, him, her, they, we... Everything is just a figment of imagination...a made up reality... It's just something to make shallow hearts feel like something has meaning...

"Is he going to be okay?"

"I'm not sure right now. He's completely out of himself..."

Even the voices were empty. They held no emotion, no passion... They were just a series of letters drawn together and turned into sounds. They meant nothing. My eyes searched the room. It looked large and plain.

"Suguru-san, are you okay? You scared us all the death!"

I saw and glared at the pink. I hated that color. It was too happy...too bright...to misleading.

"Whoah, why are you looking at me like that?!"

I extended my arm and grabbed a handful of the pink. I wanted to rip it out, I wanted it to disappear, I wanted it to burn...

"Suguru, stop, man, you're hurting Shuichi!"

That voice penetrated my skull. My eyes flew open wide and I let go of the pink and settled my gaze on the red. Red... The color of anger, passion, blood... I loved the color. The pink backed away behind the red. My eyes grew wider. Pink does _not_, will _not_ clash with red. Never. I wouldn't let that happen.

"Sit down, Fujisaki-san!"

White pushed me back down onto something soft. A chair, couch, bed...I didn't care. I kept my eyes on the red and pink.

"What's wrong with him?" Pink asked.

"I am not sure what to diagnose him with." White answered. "I am going to have more people come in to analyze him. Maybe, that will help."

_I drive myself mad_

_I blame myself for the way it ended_

_I drive myself insane _

_It's not the way I had intended_

Red kept it's sad gaze on me and I felt small. Red seemed so superior to me, so I shrunk underneath the power.

_Do you miss what I am?_

_Do you miss what I used to be?_

_There's something different in the way you stare at me, baby_

_Yeah, you look so empty._

"I'm worried about him." Pink whispered to the red.

The red didn't move or reply, just stared at me. I stared back, my eyes wide yet still. I was hypnotized in that gaze.

_I love the way your body sways as you walk closer _

_I love your drunken stupor _

_I hate that I feel this way_

_It makes me feel so stupid_

"He looks tired. How long do you think it has been since he slept?" Red finally spoke again.

It was a miracle to my ears, a sing-song melody to my ringing ears.

_Hallelujah, I listened intently _

_Ha ha ha, I let you take advantage of the situation_

_Hallelujah, I let my heart bleed, blood a silver mercury_

_Ha ha ha, I listened to my head's investigation_

_It said I was worthless_

_And, still I am hopeless_

_Because, I listened to it_

"I would say he hasn't slept any in a week. We are going to give him something strong tonight to help him get some rest. He might comply with us after that." White answered, looking at me with a frown.

They all thought I was a lost cause. I could tell in their gaze that they all wanted to give up on me and let me rot in the plain, empty room that I resided in. They wanted me to stay someplace that I had no idea where I was. Pink wanted me to stay, White wanted me to stay, but Red... Red kept that gaze on me, a emotionless countenance, eyes that were impossible to read.

_I wish I knew what you were thinking_

_That way I could take all of your pain away_

_I'll keep it as my own, baby_

_Just don't look at me that way_

"We have to get back to work." Pink said, tugging on Red's sleeve.

Red continued to look at me, but nodded.

"We'll be back sometime after six. Is that okay?" Red asked White.

"That's just fine. I am sure he will enjoy some company."

Red and Pink nodded to the White, turned and left. All I saw was White after that. I felt my hopes and ambitions dropped. I missed Red already. I missed the red...I needed to passion. White was too clean, to pure.

_Don't follow in my footsteps_

_You might stumble or get lost_

_It's such a misfortune _

_To be stuck behind a loser_

"Fujisaki-san, I have to go for a little while. I have some other patients I need to see. I will be back soon. Don't get into trouble."

White stressed the last four words she said. She didn't trust me. She saw me as nothing more than another patient, and she had to baby me, just as she did everyone else. It was then that I knew where I was. As soon as White left the room I let out an earsplitting scream and fell to the floor, letting the cold tile cool my face. They stuck me in an asylum. I was amongst the mad...the misunderstood.

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"Hey, new kid? I'm Suzi."

"Suguru..."

"Nice to meet you, Su. Mind if I call you Su?"

I stared. That girl seemed strange. She talked quickly, her words jumbled around so it sounded like she was mumbling loudly. She had a square jaw and greasy black hair that fell about her face. Her eyes were round and wide, giving her the look of a deer caught in headlights. I shook my head to her.

"Su it is, then. Mind if I ask...what you in here for? I'm in here for paranoia, anxiety, pathologically lying, screaming out in my sleep, trying to kill myself... Dare I go on?"

"No, thanks." I replied. "And, I don't know why I am here."

"So, you don't know if you are crazy or not?"

"Yeah..."

"Hm, well, that's not good, not knowing whether you are crazy or not. In fact, I don't think that it is us who are crazy, but _them_."

"Who's them?"

"The people outside. They are in the mad ones. They live in a mad world and do crazy things just to make through life. They are the ones that should be in here. They laugh and call us crazy, but I laugh because they are all the same, poor, pathetic idiots."

The girl scared me, but she has a certain wise air about her. I felt that it was important that I befriend her. She seemed friendly enough, except for her persistant talking annoyed me deeply. I contemplated what she said, thinking about the truth behind her words. In reality, everyone else was the same. They all wore the same fake face, did the same, fake, routine things. All because it was what the world wanted. People lived to much for the world, and not for the things that were important, such as faith and belief in themselves.

"So, newbie, I suppose you wouldn't like to run around this place by yourself?"

I stared at Suzi. We were sitting in the asylum's lounge room. There were two nurses stationed at the door to make sure they approved who got in and that no one got out. I wasn't allowed ground privilages because I was new and an especially rare case. I figured Suzi must have been allowed to walk around the place without supervision, because she gave me a look that showed she wanted to go exploring.

"Fujisaki-san, are you ready to see the pysichiatrist?" one of the nurses stationed came in and said to me.

Saved by a nurse... I didn't want to go anywhere with Suzi. I felt I must befriend her, but I wasn't ready to trust her. My so-called "friends" put me into the stupid asylum, and I couldn't take anymore disownment and decievement from a "friend." I stared at the nurse. She must have taken that as a yes because she grabbed me gently from my upper arm and pulled me up with ease. She was either a strong woman, or I was extremely light. Suzi face fell when the nurse picked me up off the floor. She pouted at the nurse.

"Suzi-san, I see you found yourself a friend. I'm sorry, but he has to go see his doctor, okay?"

Suzi nodded. I hated how the stupid nurses talked to us "crazies" like we were children. It's disgusting. Most of us "crazies" were sixteen and up, so there was no reason to talk to "crazies" like three year olds.

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"How are you today, Fujisaki-san?"

"I want to go home."

"This is your home now."

"I want to go home."

"You can't go back. You are to reside here until you get better."

"I want to go home."

White sighed. I hated it. White was too clean and too bright. She put down her notepad and stared deep into my eyes.

"You are going to have to start responding and actually make an effort to get better, or you are _never_ going back home."

Never...

_It was a mistake to meet me_

_I dragged you down, too_

_I'm sorry, I'm sorry_

_You die, I died, too_

**(A/N): Alrighty, guys, another chapter down. Hope that it is good. This has been a hard fanfic to write. I mean, so much psychological stuff going on. For the people that didn't quite catch on to some things:**

**Pink: Shuichi**

**Red: Hiro**

**White: The pysichiatrist**

**The song in the fic (the italizised words) is my own. I wrote it myself. It is untitled. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:**

"Fujisaki-san, you have a visitor."

I looked up at the nurse who had her head stuck inside of the doorway. She was smiling friendly at me. I nodded to her and she allowed the person to enter.

"Yo, Suguru-san. How are you feeling?"

I stared with my mouth gaped open as I saw Shindou-san walk in, Eiri-san right behind him.

"Hiya, Suguru-san." Shindou-san said to me in a light voice.

His face held a calm, but nervous smile as his eyes shot over to Eiri-san, who looked back at him annoyedly.

"He didn't want to come alone. He said that this place creeps him out."

"YUKI!"

I stared at the two 'lovers,' if that is what you could call them and felt like laughing. They were the most pathetic excuse for a couple. It's not that I cared that they were a homosexual couple, that was the least of my worries, it was just that Eiri-san was so much of an opposite of Shindou-san... I guess when it is said that opposites attract, then I guess they were telling the truth. By the stories I heard out of Shindou-san's mouth, and the words out of Eiri-san's mouth, it would seem that Eiri-san didn't care about Shindou-san at all, but when I look into Eiri-san's eyes I could tell that he held a deep compassion for Shindou-san. And, Shindou-san would announce it to the world that he was in love with Eiri-san if he could.

Eiri-san turned to me with a bored look.

"Don't worry, though. He wanted me to come with him because he doesn't know his way around, and he doesn't know what crazy people are like."

I stared at Eiri-san. Shindou-san stared at him as well with his mouth wide open, as if he couldn't believe what was coming out of his 'lover's' mouth.

"I have to come here every Friday... Well, not _here_, but a place simliar to it."

I continued to stare.

"I see a psychiatrist every Friday. Shuichi makes me. It's to help me 'get over my horrible past,' as he likes to say."

I couldn't believe my ears. Famous novelist Yuki Eiri-san seeing a shrink?

"So, trust me, you are nowhere near crazy. Now, people like me..maybe. People like Shuichi..definatly."

"YUKI!"

I cracked a smile. I knew I could trust Eiri-san. He wasn't there to ridicule me. My resentment towards Shindou-san even lessened, because I knew that he brought Eiri-san with him to talk to me.

"We just came to check up on you, Suguru-san. Hiro said he will be over around lunch time."

My ears perked up. Eiri-san let out a chuckle.

"Seems like someone's a little excited."

I blushed, and Shindou-san looked at both us in confusion, being the idiot he was.

"And, Seguchi-san said he will be over with Sakano-san sometime tonight. He said that he had some business that he wanted to talk over with you."

My heart sunk. That was the last thing I wanted, Tohma over so he could give me one of his 'famous' lectures...

"Suguru-san..are you with us?"

I looked up at Shindou-kun who was waving his hand in front of my face. I must have zoned out. I sighed and looked at the floor. I hated the stupid asylum. I wanted nothing more than to go home. The psychiatrist keeps complaining to me that I need to make an effort in recovery. What she doesn't understand is that I have been making an effort, and a big one, but nothing I do works. I try to communicate with other patients and the nurses, but when I do my mouth seems glued shut and I end up screaming because I am trying to get something out. I hang out with that Suzi girl a lot and all I do is end up getting myself put back in my room for violating my privilages. If these stupid nurses would tell me what I am allowed to do, then I wouldn't violate my privilages. The stupid psychiatrist said if anything, I am getting worse.

"S-sorry..." I said, my voice a small gasp escaping from my lips.

Not speaking for so long really leaves that toll on you.

"We all miss you in the studio, you know."

I looked up at Shindou-san in disbelief. He was looking at me with light, almost sad eyes.

"Don't look at me like that, because it's true. We're not just band members.. You, me, Hiro... we are all friends. We just want to get you back in the studio, up and running, and being apart of the band again."

I looked up at Eiri-san. He was watching Shindou-san with a soft look in his eyes. I could see his feelings for Shindou-san reflecting off of his gaze. He looked at me noticing my staring at him and winked, as if telling me Shindou-san was telling the truth.

"We have to go now, Suguru-san. See you later!"

Shindou-san grabbed Eiri-san's hand and the two walked out of my room. I laid back on my bed and stared at the ceiling with a buzzing head.

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"Yo, Fujisaki."

I jerked up from my lying position as soon as I heard Nakano-san's voice. My body felt constricted from lying down for so long, but I ignored it. Nakano-san pulled up a chair in front of my bed.

"How are you doing, man?"

"O-okay, I guess..." I managed to slur out.

He smiled slightly, I guess because he was impressed that I was speaking at least a little bit again.

"Shuichi tells me he came over with Eiri-san earlier today."

I nodded.

"He says when he mentioned my name you got excited."

I blushed and looked at the floor.

"Hey, don't be ashamed." he said, patting my shoulder.

"I hate it here." I whispered, still staring at the floor. "Why do I have to be here?"

Nakano-san became serious, looking at me with his deep, brown eyes, studying what little of my face he could see, because I was looking at my feet. He must have known what was on my mind, because the only thing that I could think of was that they all thought I was crazy.

"Listen... I don't think you are crazy..Not at all."

I looked up at him in suprise. Those were the words I wanted to hear, but somehow they rung empty, like there was something more behind them. His gaze didn't leave mine. He just stared at me with his emotionless face. What suprised me more was that he became sad and turned his face away, but his eyes still looking into mine.

"I just want Fujisaki back... We all do..."

I didn't know what he meant. He wanted Fujisaki back? But, wasn't Fujisaki who I was? I'm Fujisaki! I'm Fujisaki! I felt arms wrapped around me. I melted into it's warmth. It took me a minute for it to settle in that it was Nakano-san hugging me.

"Come back, Fuji-kun..."

Come back? But, where was I in the first place?

---------------------------

"Suguru-san, Sakano-san and I wanted to go over some business with you. As you know, the productivity of Bad Luck has gone down tremendously because of you being here."

My heart sunk. Tohma was rubbing it in that I was in an asylum.

"So, until you get out we have had Nakano-san and Shindou-san doing their parts, and I have been filling in your spaces until you return to work."

I nodded. Sakano-san was standing closely behind Tohma, very nervous. I knew that he was afraid of me, afraid of the asylum, and afraid of what Tohma was doing. Bad Luck was his life, along side his feelings for Tohma, and without me he knew that the band would fall apart.

"There is only so much I can do, Suguru. You know that I have my production work with Nittle Grasper. I have been working non-stop ever since you got here, so I have arranged it with the head of staff here that you be allowed your synth and keyboard to at least _try _and do some work. Might as well do something while you are doing nothing. Well, I will bring your stuff by tommorrow and you can get to work. Good day, Suguru-san. Get well soon."

I watched until the two left and Tohma's fake smile left my mind and sunk into my bed and cried like I had never cried before. The day didn't turn out well at all. It stared off okay, with Eiri-san and Shindou-san raising my spirits, but then Nakano-san had to tell me that he wanted Fujisaki back... It made no sense. I'm Fujisaki! I haven't changed, I haven't been any different. There was never a time in my life that I was truly happy unless I was in my room with my synthesiser, and even then there was always a shadow cast over me. He didn't know me, he knew nothing of me. Yet, he still asked me to come back. I hadn't gone anywhere. I was always there the whole time, he just never took the time to look for me. Sure, I lost myself a long time ago, but I found him, and he wasn't in the best of shape at all.

To top it off, Tohma said that I did nothing while I was in the asylum. I did a lot more than he thought. In fact, I did things that the world would never be able to do.. I battled with myself day in and day out. There was never a day that I couldn't face myself because I was scared of it. Everyday I tried to work up that courage to face myself, and hopefully heal.

No one understood me..at all.

**(A/N): Another chapter down. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5:**

In order for someone to die on the inside something traumatic has to happen, or that is usually how it works. I haven't seen or heard of anything else causing someone to completely lose themselves. Well, to put it simply, I lost myself. That's what the psychiatrist told me. She said that I died inside, and that I was a completely different person from what I used to be, even though I didn't realize it. She asked me if there was something traumatic in my past that had happened to me. The only thing I could think of was the death of my parents. But, I was so young when that happened. There was no way that their deaths could have effected me.

Apparently it had. The shrink diagnosed me with Post Trauma Disorder, or whatever it was called, temporarily. She said that it might have been a factor in my "breaking down" as she put it, and she wasn't going to completely diagnose me with anything until she got a better analysis. I hated her even more after that. She thought I was crazy, just like everyone else. Just like Tohma, Shindou-san, and even Nakano-san. Nakano-san... Just the thought of him brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know what to think when he asked me to come back. I didn't know what he meant and I was afraid to know what he meant.

Maybe, everyone had been telling me the truth all along. Maybe, I am crazy.

I called Tohma and asked him to bring me all of the family photos he could find with me in them. He seemed hesitant at first, but he did anyway. He came, dropped them off, and left, claiming he had work of mine to do. I had my synthesiser, so that kept me busy, but it wasn't much of an escape from my feelings anymore. My emotions and my thoughts were at the front of my mind and I couldn't get them to go away.

"Thanks, Tohma." I whispered.

He nodded, not saying a word.

"Tohma, aren't you going to say anything to me? Are you afraid of me?"

"No..." he answered hesitantly. "I just don't like the report I have been getting from your doctor. She says you aren't cooperating. Suguru, I can't keep the media at bay much longer. They want to know what has happened to you. You have got to start at least making an _effort..._"

"You have no idea what it is like to be, Tohma, so don't you dare tell me that I need to make an effort. I have made a HUGE effort. It's not my fault that my stupid head isn't right. Blame it on life, blame it on my dead parents, blame it on yourself, but don't you dare blame it on me.."

He looked at me with shock on his face. I was angry, and I didn't care if he was scared, taken aback, or anything. I was sick of people telling me that I needed to put in an effort to get better. They weren't living my life, they weren't in my situation. They would give up on everything too if their so called 'friends' through them in an asylum. Screw the media. Let them find out about me. I didn't care. Hell, let the whole world see. Fujisaki Suguru is crazy!

I glared at Tohma hard, my eyes threatening him to leave or I would really show him what it was like to be crazy. He sighed and nodded and began to walk to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob and turned to me once again.

"You still have work that you need to do."

I growled at him. He held up his hand to stop me before I went off on him again.

"And, I know that I don't know what kind of situation you are in, but I do know that you really _weren't_ always like this. Just take a look at those pictures in the albums that I brought you. You'll see."

Then, he left.

I looked through the albums, picture by picture, and studied every single one. And, with each picture I got more and more afraid... Tohma was _right_! Seeing myself in the photos... I was smiling, happy, in the sunshine, playing with other kids... That part of my life I didn't remember. That part of my life was like a black void. I didn't remember anything about happiness. The only things that I did remember brought back a bitter taste of blood to my mouth (I would bite my bottom lip when I had flashbacks).

I threw the albums onto the floor, shaking from head to toe. There was no way that that could have been me. Suguru was never happy. There was no way...

------------

"Fujisaki, you in here?" I heard Nakano-san call.

His voice was distant and sounded weak in my ears.

"Fuji--- What the hell?!"

I heard his footsteps beside my head. I opened my eyes slowly, the light of the room blinded me. I felt the cold floor against my face, and it felt good against my skin.

"Suguru...why?"

He snatched the empty bottles of pills out of my hand and took me into his arms. I was going numb and almost didn't feel the warmth of his embrace.

"Why?" he asked me again.

I began to weep weakly. Why? Because, I don't remember anything. My past was fuzzy, like a staticy television screen. I had to escape the pain. There was no place for me. There never was and there never will. I didn't fit in the world. I had no memories of being a child, of being happy, and the only thing that kept me running was the faint hope that seeing Nakano-san's face would wake me from my spell. But, so far, nothing. And, I was tired of waiting.

"Don't you die on me..."

His voice began to tune out in my head. My lids shut and I was unable to lift them. Four words escaped me lips:

"Please forgive me, Hiro..."

**(A/N): Sorry that it took so long to update guys! I moved to a new house and I had to go from DSL internet to DIAL UP, and it really sucks!! But, some good news is that I got Gravitation Ex, and I highly recommend it to you all! It PAWNS! haha. Well, I will try and update soon. Loves to all. Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6:**

"Is he going to be okay?"

"He's alive, that's all that I can say."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"He has completely stopped responding to everything. He's breathing, his heart is beating, but now it's like he is completely hollow inside."

"Do you mean he's paralyzed?!"

"No, no, not at all. He's able to move and function. What I mean is he is...not all there, do you understand?"

"No, I don't understand. Can I please see him?"

I heard their voices through to door. I recognized them as Shindou-san and Nakano-san.

"I don't know, the doctor told me that I didn't need to let anyone in unless they were absolutely sure they were prepared for what they would see."

"Let me see him, Shuichi."

I heard the door open and footsteps come closer towards me. I felt someone sit on the bed beside me.

"How are you, Fujisaki?"

I shifted my eyes towards him. He seemed taken aback. I wondered if he could see how hollow I was through my eyes. He looked down to his lap.

"I guess not good." he said aloud to himself.

He turned to me again, tears in his eyes. I just stared at him. I didn't feel anything anymore. It was like every emotion went right through me, like my skin was impenetrable and nothing could get in, but what was still left inside was swimming in nothing. The only reason why I knew I was alive was because of the rapid beating of my heart at seeing Nakano-san.

"Why do bad things happen to good people?" Nakano-san asked. I didn't know if he was asking it to himself or to me, but I listened all the same. "It's like all the bad things seem to happen to the people that don't really deserve it, or did nothing to deserve it. I don't know if it just me, but I don't like it."

He stared deep into my eyes. I just stared back and lost the feeling in my arms, because my heart was racing so fast. I could barely hear Nakano-san's voice because of the beating in my ears and the way he was losing his voice as he spoke.

"I really wish that I could believe in miracles and wishes. It will take a miracle now to take away all the damage you have faced, and I wish that I could take it away for you. But, I am not God, I can't do that for you, and I'm sorry for that..."

My eyes widened.

"If I could just dig my hand into your heart and mend it for you I would..."

I gulped and started breathing heavily.

"But, I do know that you are stronger than that... The Suguru I know and love can find his way out of the darkness..."

'The Suguru I know and love'... Did that he only loved what I used to be, and not this me?

"I want to be with you, Suguru... But, how can that happen when your heart is already full with all the hurt and regret. It makes me feel cramped. I just want to take all of that pain away..."

Two months of being hollow...two months of feeling nothing, not speaking to anyone, or even shedding a tear...two months of no one being allowed to visit me because I was on suicide watch...two months...and I finally broke down. Nakano-san jumped up and started panicing when I started to sob.

"No, no, no, don't cry! Please! I'm the one that should be upset! Oh, God..."

I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and jerked him towards me, clinging to him and sobbing into his shirt. He was crouched over me, hands gripping the rails on either side of the bed to keep from falling.

"Suguru..."

"Hiro...I want to be with you, too..." I half whispered, halfed sobbed into his shirt.

I felt his hand move underneath my chin and make me look him in the eyes. He looked so sad, yet scared. Was he scared that he would get bad publicity if he was dating a crazy person? Was he afraid that the media that Tohma was trying so hard to subdue would find out? That didn't seem like anything Nakano-san would do, so what was he so afraid of?

"Why do you look so scared?" I asked him carefully, not wanting to scare him off.

"I'm afraid that we wouldn't work out..."

"Why?"

"This place...it would put a big seperation between us..."

"You don't want to date a crazy person?..."

"It's not that! It's just... You're not crazy, Suguru. I know you aren't. It's just that I am afraid that this place would only keep us apart. These people that work here...they are strict...and..."

"Who cares? They aren't important to me. I hate every single one of them here. None of them matter to me, nor should they matter to you. They treat me like I am some kind of child, leading me around everything, spoon feeding me...I hate it... I just want out of here."

"But, you tried to kill yourself..."

"I know... Which ensures that I won't be getting out."

"Don't say that. You'll get out of here."

"How are you so sure?"

He smiled lightly, leaning down, pressing his lips against mine. They were so soft, so inviting.. For once I felt in place, like my spirit never left my body. He pulled away after a few seconds, that smile still on his face.

"Like I said, the Suguru I know and love can find his way out of the darkness."

He stood and walked towards the door, leaving me sitting in shock and bliss. He turned back to me when he got to the door. He smiled, nodded, and left.

-----------

"Who was that guy?"

"Who?"

"The guy that visited you earlier."

"Oh, that's my bandmate."

"You're in band?"

"Yes, and a famous one, at that."

"Oh. What's the band?"

"Bad Luck."

"Never heard of them."

"Really, that's a shock."

I looked at Suzi with a wary eye. There was no way that she couldn't have heard of Bad Luck.

"Just so you know, Su-chan, I am a pathalogical liar."

"So, you have heard of Bad Luck?"

"Heck yes, I love them! Play me a song!"

"I don't really want to play a Bad Luck song right now."

"Then don't. Play some other song... I know, play Fall Out Boy."

"I'm a pianist, not a guitarist. That's Nakano-san."

"Oh, is he the guy that visited you earlier. Yes? Yes. Why are you blushing?"

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are! You like him, don't you?!"

"..."

"Play me a Fall Out Boy song."

"What song?"

"Golden."

I led her to my room where I set up my keyboard and began to play and she sang. She had a remarkable voice. It was clean, clear, yet husky. She was nowhere near as good as Shindou-san, but she could fair well in the world of music.

_How cruel is the golden rule?_

_When the lives that we lived are only golden plated_

_And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me_

_Though I carry karats for everyone to see_

_And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies_

_And all the lovers with no time for me_

_And all the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me_

_Tongue's on the sockets of electric dreams_

_When the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens_

_And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me_

_Though I carry karats for everyone to see_

_And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies_

_And all the lovers with no time for me_

_And all the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me_

_And pray that I'll grow to be..._

"Isn't that song just so awesome!"

"Yeah..."

"Hey, tell me something..."

"What?"

"That Nakano-san...he really means a lot to you, doesn't he?"

"Yeah... If it wasn't for him I really would have already given up on life."

"No..I don't think that he's the only reason..."

I looked up at Suzi with confusion on my face. She smiled and reached over, running her fingers through my disarray of green hair.

"I think," she said. "Is that he was your inspiration. But, you are stronger than that. You may not think it, but somewhere deep inside you still wanted to keep going on."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. If you didn't, then you have killed yourself a long time ago."

Her eyes shined with a deep knowledge that was hard for me to comprehend. Was she saying that my desperate self-concious was clinging to whatever ounce of life that I had left? Or, was she saying that my Id and Superego were still in the raging war and the poor, mediating Ego was actually keeping the two from destroying each other?

"Like I said, he was your inspiration. Deep down, though, you are strong. You'll get out of here. You'll get yourself out of the maze that your head has made. You just have to _try_. See...people like me...can't get out. I'm here for your life. But, you have a chance. I had a chance, and I let it slip right out of my fingers. Don't lose your chance. Get out of here while you still can."

"How?"

She smiled widely at me.

"Make the psychiatrists happy, and make yourself happy. Everyone here can be cured. The people that are still here choose not to, because they all think that they can't be cured. It's not true. You can be cured. You can heal. Everything heals with time. See ya later, Su-chan!"

She ran towards the door, but I stopped her.

"If...if...you say all of this...and know all of this...then, why aren't you trying to get away?..."

"I let my chance die."

"I don't follow..."

"I, too, thought that I couldn't be saved. Someone tried to tell me otherwise...and I ended up going mad on them...and killing them."

"What?!"

"So, I'm here..I'm stuck. I didn't want to listen to that person. And...after a long time of thought, and regret, and feeling sorry for myself, I realized that that person was right all along. So, now I try to help as many people as I can get out of here. I don't want them to have the same fate as me."

She walked out the door, waving behind her.

**(A/N): Phew, another chapter down. For all who didn't know..the Id, Ego, and Superego are Fruedian terms. Sigmond Freud came up with it. It's just about the only that he came up with that made sense. He was a psychiatrist back in the early 1900s. Look him up, I don't really like the guy and don't really feel like talking about him. Haha. But, since I am going to by in the psychology/psychiatry work, then I need to know about him. Okay, guys, please review! This fic is finally coming to a wraps. I might be able to finish the whole thing in a couple of more chapters. So...please review! And, I again apologize for my short silence before I updated my last chapter. I hate dial-up internet. Anyways, please review! Ja ne!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

"Well, Fujisaki-san, I have to congradulate you on your improvement. You have made a remarkable recovery. I have to say that I am impressed."

I rubbed the back of my head and chuckled. "Well, let's just say that I had a bit of inspiration."

I secretly thanked Suzi in my head. She had been taken to a different ward of the asylum for bad behavior. I didn't know when she would get out. I felt she deserved all the thanks in the world. The things she told me didn't only inspire me, they helped mend me. They were words of the truth, and I knew that I would remember them, and her, forever.

"At the rate you are going, you are going to be able to be released at the end of the month."

"Really? That's two weeks away."

The psychiatrist nodded. "Yep."

"Wow.."

It had been less that a month since Suzi spoke those inspiring words to me, and the psychiatrist was already telling me that I would be able to be released soon. It was like music to my ears.

--------

"Am I hearing right? You'll be able to get out of here at the end of the month?"

"Yep. I can't wait to get out of here. Although, this place has kind of grown on me."

Shindou-san and I chatted like old friends. I didn't really know when I actually started getting along with the guy, but he didn't turn out as bad as I thought. Nakano-san was leaning against the wall watching Shindou-san and I, smiling and chatting with the psychiatrist. I could only make out a small part of the conversation.

"So, he's healed, huh?"

"Oh, no, he'll never be fully healed. Those kind of inflictions, like his, never fade."

"So, what was wrong with him in the first place?"

"Well, I still don't really know, but I don't really think it matters anymore. He's becoming more accustomed to the normal again. I am sure that he will have a small relapse after he gets out of here, you know, adjusting once again, but after that, just keep your eye on him a little bit, give him his space when he wants it, attention when he needs it, and he will be just fine."

I smiled to myself. The shrink was right, I would never fully be healed. I still didn't feel whole, but I felt more of a person than I had felt in years. Every time that I would look in the mirror I would see more youth than I had seen in myself ever. The gray hair and the frown lines were gone. It was like a miracle that brought tears to my eyes.

After a while everyone but Nakano-san left. I was in the part of the asylum where they only did checks once or twice a day and had ground privilages. Nakano-san and I took a long walk, not really talking, but feeling the earth and air around us. It seemed to feel me with confidence, that Nakano-san actually liked being around me again. That was the best feeling that I could ever have.

We went back to my room after the walk and talked a little bit about the band and how much work we were going to have upon my return. I was more than excited to get back to doing my work. Spending six months in the asylum really made me think about all the things that I once took forgranted. The band was a bigger part of me than I expected, the band members and staff were more of a family than I had ever known, and I took that all forgranted. I made a silent vow to make up for all that time that I neglected the ones that really cared about me.

"I'm glad that you are getting out." Nakano-san said to me, a small smile on his face.

He looked so calm and full of bewilderment. His face was filled with curiousity and mischief, yet it seemed pure and innocent. I smiled back at him and laid back on my bed to stare at the ceiling.

"I am, too."

My view of the ceiling quickly became a view of Nakano-san. He climbed on top of me and stared in my eyes, which grew wide with excitement and shock.

"I want to play a game."

"W-what kind of game?"

"Truth or dare. I want to go first, okay?"

"O-okay..."

"Okay, Fuji-kun, truth or dare?"

"Um...truth..."

"Is it true that you like me?"

"Yes..."

"Now, I dare you to kiss me."

"You're not playing right---"

He pressed his tender lips against mine in a passionate kiss. I moaned as he nibbled and ran his tongue across my bottom lip, his tongue begging for entrance into my mouth. I gradually opened it, liking to tease him. He smirked when he broke the kiss and his eyes burned into mine. They were shining with a mischieveous plan, and it was begging to worry me.

"Now, it's your turn."

"What?"

"Ask me truth or dare."

"Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Dare?"

"Yes, dare."

"Um...I...I don't know any good dares..."

"You can dare me to do anything..._anything_..."

It took me a few seconds, but I figured out with his emphasizing 'anything' meant. I blushed deeply, my mouth gaping open, but no words escaping my lips.

"But...the nurses..patients..."

"They won't give you another check until late."

He smiled sweetly at me, his finger stroking my cheek.

"Are you scared?" he asked me teasingly, breathing into my ear.

"N-no." I shivered, his breath on my ear sending tingles down my neck and spine.

"Then prove it. I _triple dare_ you. Can't break a triple dare."

"O-o-okay..."

"Okay?"

"Yeah..."

"You're sure?"

I nodded. He smiled again, leaning in to kiss me again.

**(A/N): Well, I believe that this will be my next to last chapter. This has gone by a lot faster than I had expected. I really think that these last few chapters have been really crappy, but hey, I try. Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8:**

Freedom was as sweet as a child's first taste of candy. The sunlight felt warm against my pale, sun-deprived features, the air felt fresh, clean, without the smell of sterilizers and bleach, the sounds were like music because there were no screams. It was my first taste of heaven, and I loved it. I felt Nakano-san put his arm around my shoulder.

"Enjoying the view?" he asked.

"Just taking it all in. After not seeing the outside for so long, I kind of missed it."

"Well, you can see it all you want now."

"HEY!"

Nakano-san and I looked up to see Shindou-san, Eiri-san, K-san, Sakano-san, Sakuma-san, Tatsuha-san, Tohma, Mika-san, and Noriko-san approach.I was rattled as to why absolutely _everyone_ came to greet me, but it sent a warm feeling inside of me. So, I really did have a lot of supporters.

"How about we go and celebrate?" Shindou-san said enthusiastically, waving his free hand (his other hand was gripped in Eiri-san's).

"Sounds good to me." Everyone agreed.

We all began to make our way away from the dreaded asylum. Tohma stopped me. He smiled gently.

"Suguru, may I have word?"

I looked at Nakano-san and nodded to him, letting him know it was okay to go on ahead of me.

"Yes, Tohma?"

"I want to say that I am proud of you."

"Proud of me?"

"You have always been stronger than you realize, you know that."

"Yeah."

"I am proud that you have made an effort."

"It just took the right amount of inspiration."

I turned and looked back at the colossal walls of the asylum, looking through each of the windows, remember what it used to be like staring out of them. Then, I saw a familiar face.

Suzi was staring down at me from the top floor (the fourth floor) with a smile on her face. I smiled back and waved, thanking her to myself. She seemed to get the message because she nodded to me.

"Now, maybe things can go back to normal." Tohma said, adjusting the hat on his head.

"Normal..."

I looked ahead of me at the group making their way into town. They seemed so comfortable with each other-- K-san and Noriko-san finally at peace about K-san taking Sakuma-san away to the United States, Sakuma-san and Tatsuha-san whispering lovey things to each other, Sakano-san and Nakano-san scratching their heads nervously at Shindou-san and Eiri-san who were (yet again) arguing, Mika-san slapping Eiri-san upside the head for being mean to Shindou-san.

"This is normal?" I asked Tohma, not taking my eyes off of the group.

"Yep."

"I think it was more normal in the asylum."

Tohma laughed at my remark.

"If you haven't already figured it out, Suguru, NG Records is an asylum, because apparently I like to hire strange and insane people."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"No, actually it is a compliment. See, if you were 'right in the head,' then I wouldn't have hired you onto Bad Luck. You complete the band."

"How so?"

"Well, Shindou-san is the foundation of the band, he keeps everyone together, Nakano-san is the walls, containing everything between the places and people that it needs to, and you are what attracts the people."

"How do I attract people?"

"Have you listened to yourself play that synthesiser? You're beats are played in all the clubs around the city."

I smiled. "I guess not."

"You may never be completely together, Suguru, but you do have people that care about you. Remember that."

"Okay. Thanks, Tohma."

He smiled at me and patted me shoulder.

"Well, we had better go catch up, or they will leave us."

"Yeah."

We began to walk after the group. My eyes scanned them until they landed on Nakano-san. He looked back and smiled at me, laughing along with Shindou-san and the others. They never looked so inviting.

**(A/N): This was the final chapter, guys! I think this last chapter sucks, but I didn't really know how to wrap it up. Nothing seemed to fit right. So, I just let my fingers do all the work. Please review and let me know what you all think of it. I am planning on having another fic up really soon. Ja ne!**


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